Monday, June 21, 2010

Checking Out....

Do you ever have days (err... or weeks) were you feel like you have checked out of life? I'm in that rut.

I'm not seeking pity, I'm just loathing in my own silly sorrows that sometimes overwhelm me.

Today at church, I wanted to leave because I thought -- "I really don't have any friends here...."

The other day, I thought about how much I didn't want to be pregnant because I am so tired of being fat.

Today, I'm just tired.

Saturday -- I didn't want to leave the house because I don't like riding in a car with no A/C when it is 90 degrees plus outside .... (but, I did).

I feel like I really have checked out of life and there is little that I want to do about it right now....

but there are things that I know.

I know -- I do have friends in Charlotte, I just don't have a best friend in Charlotte.

I know that it is better for me to be a great mom, then a skinny mom (and I KNOW I am a GREAT mom).

I know that for the year(ish) that Dan and I couldn't get pregnant, I would have given anything to have a baby... I remember those days and it makes the 280 days of vomiting and fatigue I endure well worth it.

When we are riding in the car and we pass a lady who is walking, pushing a stroller with a young child in it and a toddler sitting in the basket underneath -- I am grateful for our car (even without air conditioning).

Call it depression, call it just being worn out from taking a summer class, being pregnant, a mother of a "very active" 15 month old and trying to keep a clean house and plan my mother's 50th birthday party and figure out how to get ready for a move.... call it whatever you want...

but lately, I just want to stay inside and sleep......

3 comments:

cat said...

I know what you mean. I hope you find your happy self again soon. I'll keep you in my prayers and I wish I were in Charlotte to hang with you. love ya girl :)

Daniel and Robin said...

i love you amanda!! i love your honesty and i KNOW you'll be feeling better soon!! I'm thinking about you!!!

Rachel said...

I understand the feeling, i am in over my head with responsibilities and sometimes a break sounds nice. I hope things start feeling better soon. I miss you getting to hang out with me all the time, i wish you lived closer then i would have a best friend in rocky mount! i think it is harder to reach best friend status with other moms because you can't put the time into it that we did in college, duty calls i guess